28 January 2010

Legion (spoilers!!!)

This is an ouch review..... it tried not to be mean but...
OK, so ignoring the reviewers I went to see Legion. What a wreck!! I don't even know where to start...

Here we go..... spoilers ahead, you have been duly warned!

The movie stars Paul Bettany as the archangel Michael, who disagrees with an order from God and decides to leave the "family" and come down to Earth on his own and protect mankind. You see, God is ticked off at humanity and finally decides to destroy mankind. Just after arriving on Earth, he breaks into a toy company, making a grand entrance through the glass roof, cuts his wings (ouch!), which causes him to loose this thing around his neck that looks like an electronic collar (so God keeps angels slaved using collars WTF?),  and sutures the wounds  with a spool of suture (chromic gut by the looks of the pack, with a needle so big I could only use on a cow's stomach ;-)) that he finds in the medicine cabinet, because as we all know, that is stuff that is kept at toy warehouses (!?!?). Oh, then he arms himself to the teeth, because the toy company is a front for an illegal arms trader, I am guessing because there is a room full of all kinds of cool machine guns. After he gets out by way of an explosion (are the doors locked from the inside?) that leaves a cross shaped opening (wtf?) on the cargo door he confronts two cops and one turns into what cannot be called anything else but a demon. Kills him and steals the patrol car.

Out in the desert in a diner in the  middle of nowhere, we come to meet the usual stereotypes. Slutty chick with uptight upper class parents,  bitter pregnant chick, boy in love with pregnant chick (but pregnant chick likes him only as a friend), bitter diner owner, religious cook, gangbanger. There is only good scene in the whole movie. A sweet looking little old lady (still think Betty White should have done this part!!!) comes in and after eating a raw steak, she starts swearing at pregnant chick that her baby is going to die and swiftly tranforms into a thing that crawls up the walls and after a brief chase she gets killed by gangbanger. Michael arrives and we learn that the baby preg chick is expecting is the only hope for lasting peace (second coming of Jesus? Why would God want to destroy his own Son. And if the baby is not his son, who is he? In Christian tradition the second coming is nothing like this....nothing in the movie uis based on any tradition that I am familiar with. This is never adressed......... ). A battle ensues between our brave group of misfits and an army of humans possesed by angels. Yeah, by angels......... I am still scratching my head over that one, why not come down from Heaven  and  carry off God's orders, since they would be almost immune to human weapons (angel wings are bullet proof!) Only Gabriel comes down from Heaven is his true form (looking a lot like Alan Cummings on Cabaret, I kid you not!) and battles Michael. Michael appparently dies and it is up to boy in love to protect the baby, the tattoos that Michael wears appear magically on Jeep's (yes, the character's name is Jeep, no wonder the poor boy is so screwed up!) body. Michael reappears and tells Gabriel that God changed his mind and decided to show mercy and not kill humanity. Michael tells Jeep he needs to continue to protect the baby, that it was his destiny all along. Why, if God has changed his mind, does Jeep and the chick with the baby have to continue running away? At times this seems like a Terrminator knockoff, angels replacing the cyborgs. This could have been a decent movie but it really is a mish mash of stuff that the more I think about it the more confusing it gets!

I won't even go into the acting.... Bettany has the same facial expression throughout the whole movie, moody and distant. His accent varies from English to an almost Southern twang, very annoying. The rest is not even worth mentioning.

The director also wrote and produced the movie. He should have fired himself. OY!

I guess the animation of the Angel wings is kinda cool.......there, I found something nice to say hahaha!



  1. OMG I just wrote almost the same review on Friday night. The friend I went with declared this film a "hot mess"

  2. Yeah, hot mess pretty much hits the nail on the head!